3 Things

1- sitting outside at dusk
2- air conditioning
3- money to spend of frivolous things like cookies and wind-up toys

Was Brave Enough

Yesterday at the park I mentioned that the sprinklers came on. I did not mention that my 6-year-old daughter decided to run through them. No big deal, it's summer! Right? Yes, if it didn't happen to be canal water that the park uses. So I told her, and she looked at me and ran through them again. After we went to the different park, I made her sit there on the bench while the rest of us played. Yeah- say it, "Mean Mommy."

This was AFTER she kept standing on the side of the itty bitty cart at the craft store that looks more like a toy than a functional tool for placing items. No big deal, Right? It would be except for the fact that it was so small, she kept tipping the cart and scaring me and the baby who was sitting in the cart.

Due to these infractions and many smaller ones like haphazardly sweeping the floor just to get done quickly, she only got one "thumbs up" at the end of the day. Putting her total for the week at nine. The kids have to get ten to do a fun activity on Tuesdays, such as painting or making treats. Sooooo, she had to miss today's activity.

She understood and was taking it in stride. I got the call that she (BEG) and Baby Girl could in-fact sleep over to their cousin's house tonight. After packing their pillows and clothes, I told all the children to load up in the van. More than five minutes later, the two older girls were standing on the driveway playing with the dog through the fence. No big deal, right? It would just be the hundredth time I remind a kid, but I was doing THEM a favor, and I had to cruise 30 miles away, come all the way back and make it to Biggest Girl's piano lesson by 3:00. I was tired of hurrying for them and having to wait for them to mind.

I told Brown-Eyed Girl that she could not sleep over (Biggest Girl will miss out on something fun tomorrow as punishment.) Then I called my sister-in-law and asked if she had told her daughter that we were coming. Luckily she hadn't, so I wasn't spoiling her daughter's fun- just my own daughter's.

I dropped off Baby Girl, and apologized to my SIL for not letting both girls stay. She said, "We've all been there. You just were brave enough to follow through."

Being brave doesn't make you feel good, but it has to be done.

3 Things

1- My sister-in-law who is really just a sister- period.
2- That my mom takes my crying baby and works with him with as much love as she does her own kids
3- That my mom is so consistent that I trust her more than I trust myself

Got over my Stuffy Self

Sometimes the grown up responsibilities get the best of us. I often sit at the computer all morning updating spreadsheets, entering invoices, and paying bills. This Monday morning was no different. By noon I had a raging headache. After lunch I wanted to run some errands, but the little man was sleeping, so I caught up on laundry- you know the drill.

By 4:00 I'd had enough. For family night, I decided to go play at the park that we discovered, and the other one close by that a friend told us about with a zipline. We invited some friends to join us with their kids. We had a blast and I played like a kid at times.

The sprinklers came on and we had to run with the kids to another playground. After a few minutes, THAT area was spraying. I laughed so hard I almost wet my pants twice. It's amazing how you can get rid of a headache when you pull your head out of wherever it is, and run like a crazy kid through the sand screaming your head off.

A lot of Aimless Stuff

Cut the girls' hair

Bought a glider swing (for me and those quiet evenings under my nice tree, when the kids are in bed and I am unwinding at night- I'm going to miss my nice, gorgeous, Maple tree)

Listed our house for sale (I'm going to miss the house that we've worked so hard on, but I'll miss the tree more!) Let the giddy girls stay up and read in my room until they got tired

Took my daughter back to a friend's house to return something that she borrowed, even though I told her that she couldn't borrow anything this time (In my book- that's stealing.)

Helped my sis with her computer (I didn't fix a thing, but I tried)

Felt good and happy.

3 Things I am Grateful For

1- fresh air
2- when my daughter sings at the top of her lungs while she plays
3- singing with my daughter

Screwed with my Son's Head

It goes like this;


"Mom, guess what I'm making?!!!"

"A time machine?"

"No, that's dumb, because if I picked the wrong time, then I'd end up being chased be a T-Rex."

"How far back would you go since dinosaurs never lived on this planet? You'd have to go back to BEFORE this planet was created and end up on the planet where the dinosaurs DID live, and that would be a LONG time to go back."

"Well, if I went into the future then I might land in a war, and maybe I'd appear on the bad side and God and all the righteous people would kill me because they didn't know I was from the, oh forget it. An elastic gun. I'm building an elastic gun." (Insert eye roll and sigh)

I love making everybody else as screwed up as I am.

Did Not Run

Many of you know of my past struggle with Clinical Depression. 13 years ago it was so bad that I would break down in tears at the pressure of answering the phone. Every decision, no matter how small, seemed insurmountable.

I haven't had depression like that for almost ten years. Then a few weeks ago, it came back like an old disease. It was horrifying to find myself spiraling down into the same conversations with myself and finding that nothing brought me out of it.

It was discouraging to find that depression is like what you hear about alcoholism- "Once an alcoholic, Always an alcoholic." I refused to believe that the imbalances in my brain chemistry could uproot my life without the slightest warning. Granted, I've had a hellish past three months, but I'm stronger now, older, more mature!!....right?

Well last night it all came crashing down. I had been running around, and the kids were tired and had eaten and napped in the van. We were all weary. I had only a half of a muffin for lunch, and now we were getting home and it was dinner time already. I hurriedly made some sandwiches and cut some melon for the kids. While they ate, I ran outside to work on some training with the dog. Then Dear Hubby came home and wanted to lay the concrete pad that's been put off by rainy weather, and the children came outside to play.

At 9:00, I went inside to nurse the baby and put him to bed. As I laid him in his bed, I realized that I hadn't eaten dinner myself. I just lost it. I sobbed and wanted to just drive away. The baby was settled and didn't need me until morning. I would gladly check myself into a hospital just for a solid 24 hours of no responsibility to answer mind-numbing kid questions and no disciplining.

The feeling to run away was immense. I called a dear friend and was told to "Hold On. This is just a 'mist of darkness'. Hold on to what you know to be true." The trouble is, I could not think of anything that I knew for sure. I don't know what I'm doing with these kids. I feel like I'm making it up as I go. In that moment, I was sure that I was the worst person to parent them because I am not happy. Life should be happy. It shouldn't be such a struggle. I shouldn't feel that all I do is cuss kids, repeat myself, pull kids out of bed, and put them back in bed- Endlessly, Every day.

If raising kids is this hard, I must be doing something wrong. At least that is what I felt at the moment, so I could not find anything to hold on to. If I was doing it wrong, then the Lord had sent them to the wrong person. So if I trusted the Lord, I would have to trust that he trusted me.

I felt to hold on. That like childbirth, just when a woman feels like she can't possibly go on, her suffering is almost over.

I woke up this morning. Nothing had changed. I still had breakfast to make, five kids to care for, music lessons to drive them to, lunch and dinner, feed myself, and shower (if possible). I still feel tired, still frustrated, and weary. Somehow, the list didn't change, but it no longer seemed insurmountable.

I don't know what has changed. Maybe the Lord removed that one straw that was breaking my back. Maybe he let me carry the same load, and carried me.

Ran

It was raining torrents and the kids voted to still go swimming. We did and had a blast. I'm glad I gave in and ran through the rain. It definitely was NOT a boring day.